After explaining to a group of business officers why their employees were outraged by a policy decision the executive committee had made, one man objected strenuously. What I had said was that the employees most likely felt that their dignity had been violated—that they were treated unfairly, felt betrayed, and were not recognized by the company—all serious dignity violations. The man objected because he felt that the phrasing “dignity violations” was too strong and inappropriate. “We didn’t violate their dignity, we just made a good business decision. It wasn’t our intention to violate anyone.”
I hear this type of response a lot. No one wants to be accused of violating dignity. It is a stark and bold interpretation of what happens when people feel emotionally injured. Because these injuries happen routinely and up to this point, have gone unnamed, hearing the word violation does get people’s attention. And yes, it does elicit an unpleasant feeling when the mirror is held up to us; when we see for the first time, what other people have seen for a while. We all have blind spots. It’s part of our shared humanity. We will feel some embarrassment, if not shock, when we learn how we have unintentionally harmed others by our actions. I remember how stunned I felt when some friends told me about how I had violated them. It’s hard to take because we have an image of ourselves as good people with good intentions. How many times have you heard someone say, “but it certainly wasn’t my intention to hurt you.” As if that makes it all better. The fact remains, you still hurt the person and he or she deserves an apology and your commitment not to do the hurtful behavior again.
We have instincts that protect us from exposing our mistakes. As the executive responded in the story above, we deflect and defend our actions instead of trying to learn more about the feedback we are given. This self-protective instinct keeps us from looking bad and more importantly, feeling bad. But it comes at a tremendous cost. What we end up doing is passing up an opportunity to grow and develop. Our need for inner stability overrides our need to change something hurtful about the way we treat others. And our relationships that suffer because of it. No one wants to get close to someone or work for company that violates dignity. If we could learn to overcome our instinct to deflect helpful feedback from others, the bonus at the end is that relationships improve. Adversarial connections turn into relationships that are strong and enduring.
At the end of the day, we need each other in order to succeed in this world, no matter whether it’s in business or in our interpersonal relationships; might as well understand the truth about what works and what doesn’t in maintaining healthy connections. If it takes the phrase, “dignity violator” to wake us up, then let’s embrace it.
